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Mario, Sonic, the Eds, and Friends Ride Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem/Script
Exterior & Queue (entering the resort) EDD: Good morning, gentlemen! DR. RABBIT: Hello there! I am Dr. Rabbit, the world's only rabbit dentist! HEAVY (singing): Sandwich, sandwich... (aprroaching front gate) SONIC: Sonic's the name, speed's my game! (at front gate) DR. RABBIT: I am about to embark on a most thrilling adventure! (at attraction entrance) EDD: Shall we? ED: We three? CRASH B.: Ahhh... (This is it.) HEAVY: sandwich DEMOMAN: Thus begins my thousand-year reign of blood! HEAVY: What was that, sandwich? Good idea! EDD (seeing long line): Oh, my... DR. RABBIT: Come along if you like! It's sure to be the adventure of a tooth time! ED (seeing 90 minute wait time): Read to me what is on the pretty paper, Double-D. (in line) DR. ROBOTNIK: This better be good. SPY: Let us move! WARIO: (yawning) EDD: Isn't this exhilarating? WARIO: (snoring) HEAVY: (singing) Come on! SCRATCH: And don't do anything stupid this time! GROUNDER: Aw, give me a break! (in Gru's house) EDD: Isn't this exciting? ED: Table for two! Pre-Preshow (pre-preshow video begins) tests the camera. Gru': Testing... testing... Ah-oo-wee-a-hoo-ha. [clears his throat] Greetings, recruits. CRASH B.: (Hey, there!) ''Gru: Welcome to my home. I am Gru, master villain, scourge of humanity.'' DR. RABBIT: Good to see you again, my friend! ''Gru: So, you want to be a Minion?'' WARIO: Yes! CRASH B.: (Would I ever!) YOSHI: Yoshi do! Yoshi do! '''''Gru: Your training will begin soon, but be warned: danger lurks at every turn. girls enter. Agnes chases after Kyle, Gru's "dog". Agnes': Kyle! Come here, Kyle! ''Gru: Agnes, please! Please! Daddy's trying to be evil! '' ''Margo:'' [scoffs] What are you doing! ''Gru: I am trying to--'' ''Agnes: Who's the cutsest puppy in the world?'' ''Gru: (sighs) Now, where was I?'' cleans the camera lens using her shirt ''Gru: Margo!'' ''Margo: What? There was a smudge.'' HEAVY: (singing) Edith '(as Evil Clown): I am Evil Clown! Fear my red nose! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!'' ''Gru': That's enough! Girls, would you please just let me do this? ''Edith: Oh! We were just trying to keep things interesting!'' motions Agnes to come listen to Gru ''Agnes: Sheesh.'' ''Gru: Okay, just... Just be still. Don't say any more... words.'' HEAVY: You are a loose cannon, sandwich, but you are a damn good cup! ''Gru: his throat These are my daughters. Say hello briefly.'' ''Edith: Hello out there!'' ''Margo: S'up?'' ''Agnes: Greetings from the television! '' ''Gru: Anyway, let's begin. We're going to start with a written exam.'' snaps his fingers. A Minion enters with a stack of paper sheets. ''Gru: The test should take no longer than three hours!'' EDD: What?! ''Gru: You will see none of the park! Ha ha!'' ''Margo: quietly Hey, hey!'' ''Gru: Hmm?'' ''Margo: We're not doing the written exam, remember?'' ''Gru: What? We're not? Oh, right. We ditched that.'' Minion leaves. ''Gru: Hopefully, you were given your Minion goggles.'' WARIO: (eats something) montage of Gru's scientist friend, Dr. Nefario trying on various glasses is shown. Gru '(V.O.): These goggles were designed by our own lovable and disturbingly old scientist, Dr. Nefario. '' WARIO: (eats something else) ''Gru (V.O.): After spending months sampling the latest in eyewear technology, he would not rest until he found the perfect model of goggles.'' ENGINEER: (laughing) ''Gru (V.O.): Dr. Nefario was looking for functionality, comfort, and a little bit of flair. Finally, he chose the chic but sensible googles that you are holding in your hot little hands.'' CRASH B.: (You have goggles, too?) ''Gru (V.O.): We ran them through the most extensive testing to ensure maximum quality and durability.'' HEAVY: Put dispenser here! WARIO: Uh-uh! ''Gru (V.O.): We had to make sure that they could withstand any outside force.'' ENGINEER: Woo-wee! Would you look at that! GANON: Die! SCOUT: (laughing) You got owned! Chase: Laughings the best medicine. ''Gru (V.O.): Oh, yes. These babies were built to last!'' SCOUT: Oh, that's a skull fracture for sure! ''Gru'(V.O.): You have Nefario's guarantee: the goggles will last five times longer... BOOM DEMOMAN: Ka-BOOOM!! Gru '(V.O.): ...than the person wearing them.'' ENGINEER: That'll cut ya back down to size! ''Gru': You must wear the goggles once you're seated in the transformation pods, but remember: (V.O.) do not put on the goggles until you are told to do so, or this could happen. Minion wearing goggles runs into wall. CRASH B.: (laughing) Gru '(V.O.): I'm not saying this will happen...'' runs into the camera. ''Gru (V.O.): ...just that it COULD happen.'' runs into a rake. ''Gru (V.O.): And if it did, it would be funny... to me.'' Minion accidentally presses a switch, causing several bombs to fall on him. YOSHI: (laughing) LUIGI: Yeah, well, I didn't think it was so funny. ''Gru''' (V.O.): You'd be too busy getting hit by things to appreciate it.'' Minions stand next to a pool of water. Gru '(V.O.): In the event of a water landing...'' Minion pushes the other, who is wearing the goggles, into the pool. The goggles inflate once in the water. ''Gru (V.O.): ...your goggles can be used as a flotation device. Minion who pushed the other one in laughs until a bomb falls on him. GANON: Die! ''Gru (V.O.): However, in the event of a dinner party, your goggles can not be used to hold cheese and/or jalapeno dip. Ever!'' DR. RABBIT: I see you're enjoying those chips, but you are not doing your teeth any favors. Minion laughs at the now red-faced Minion until he belches fire in the Minion's face, leaving him sooted WARIO: (laughing) Gru '(V.O.): It's gross. If you are unsure of how to put on the goggles, ask a lab assistant.'' DR. RABBIT: Oh, oh! No, no, no, no! No, this won't do! ''Gru''' (V.O.): But, come on, who doesn't know how to put these things on?'' CRASH B.: (laughing) ''Gru (V.O.): If your number of eyes does not match the number of lenses, please tell a lab assistant.'' one-eyed Minion attempts to put on goggles with two lenses, but upon realizing he can't, he starts crying. CRASH B.: Awww... SPY: What's the matter? HEAVY: Which one of you is crying? Gru '(V.O.): We have Minion goggles for every ocular variety.'' Minion approaches the crying Minion. Seeing the situation, he gives the crying Minion a pair of goggles with one lens. The crying Minion, overjoyed, hugs the other Minion. CRASH B.: (There! Problem solved!) ''Gru': Enjoy your Minion goggles, future Minions! Okay, got all that? Good! Do as I say, heed my words, or pay the price! LUMPUS: Here's some advice: drop the funny accent. ''Margo: And have fun!'' Edith '(as clown puppet): It gonna be great! (evil laugh)'' ''Agnes': Come on! Smile, Gru! girls make Gru smile. ''Gru: (sighs) I hate smiling.'' Annoucer (V.O): This is a motion simulator involving sudden and extreme movement. CRASH B.: Cool! ''Announcer (V.O.):'' Expectant mothers, and individuals with heart, back, or neck conditions, abnormal blood pressure, or those prone to motion sickness or dizziness are advised not to ride this attraction. HEAVY: Bologna is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards! WARIO: Wa, wa, wa! Announcer '(V.O.): For your safety, please remain seated, hold on to the lap restraint, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Please supervise children to ensure everyone has their own seat. Children may not sit on laps.'' HEAVY: Sandwich make me strong! ''Announcer''' (V.O.): Secure all loose items. Finally, the use of still or video cameras is not permitted.'' DR. ROBOTNIK: Shut up! CRASH B.: Awww... SCOUT: Uh, no! doors open and riders enter the main preshow room. Main Preshow (entering Minionization prep room) Gru '(V.O.): All right, future Minions, I hope you thoroughly enjoyed my prerecorded message. Let's see how well you take direction. Come meet me in the Minionization prep room so we can all get started. Please stay in your row and move forward filling in all the available space in front of you, and so help me, do not put on your Minion goggles yet!'' SCRATCH: You already said that! ''Gru (V.O.): Don't delay! This is going to be really fun... for me. You will all be great Minions, I can tell. Do you want to know who is my favorite Minion? You are! Well, you soon will be. Remember: no goggles yet. You don't want to test me on this one, believe me!'' (preshow video begins) enters along with two Minions. ''Gru': So, you are all here because you want to work for me. I usually take this time to interview new recruits one at a time, but I'm working on something really big today... LUMPUS: Oh, yeah, right! ''Gru: ...so I'm going to have to do this kind of quick. (pulls out some notecards, clears his throat) "Hello, I'm Gru." "What's your name?" "Where are you from?" "Wow, that might be impressive." (flips through the cards) Question, question, question...'' HEAVY: (singing) ''Gru: ...and thank you. Anywho...'' Minion enters with a blueprint. ''Minion: Boss!'' ''Gru: One moment.'' looks at the blueprint. ''Gru: Mmm-hmm, this is good, but tell Nefario: add more dynamite. I want a bigger boom!'' ''Minion: Bigger boom. Okay!'' Gru: '''You didn't hear that. Anyway, yes. You will be turned into Minions. CRASH B.: (But how does one become a minion?) video begins on two smaller screens. ''Gru:' Months ago, my chief scientist Dr. Nefario created a device that can turn everyday boring civilians like you into minions. CRASH B.: Hmm... (Go on.) the video, Nefario tests a giant minion gun on two humans. ''Gru: At first, there were a few minor snags...'' MARIO: (laughing) humans develop Minion eyes and yellow skin. The two Minions laugh. Nefario then tests the gun on a small boy. ''Gru: ...and a few major snags.'' little boy is turned into a Minion with an extensively long forehead. CRASH B.: (laughing) ''Gru: Although, I kind of like that guy...'' see a morbidly obese Minion. ''Gru: ...and that guy...'' CRASH B.: (laughing) see an elephant Minion, which trumpets. Gru: '''Oh! I love that guy. That guy really knows how to party! ED: Work that body, work that body! Don't you know hurt nobody! video ends. ''Gru': Don't worry. We have finally worked out all of the kinks, as far as you know. And now, you too can become a Minion! DR. ROBOTNIK: I love it! animation plays where humans go into Gru's house and are turned into Minions. ''Gru: Wow! Look at that! I know, right? It's pretty spectacular!'' CRASH B.: Cool! animation ends as four Minions come in with guns to show to Gru. ''Gru: All right, before we...'' ''Minions: Boss!'' ''Gru: One second.'' ENGINEER: Ain't that a cute little gun? looks at the guns. ''Gru: Hmmm...'' Gru points to the first Minion's large gun, we can hear really loud rumbling coming from the ride. Gru: '''This one. Minions laugh and play with their guns. ENGINEER: (laughing) Minions leave. HEAVY: Run from the sandwich! ''Gru': Okay, before we begin your training, we need to do a routine body scan. Can't have you bringing any human germs into the lab. It's nothing serious. Just some high-density lasers. audience is "scanned" by lasers, which are actually lights from the ceiling. CRASH B.: (It tickles!) ''Gru: They're very, very powerful. It will not hurt... me... a bit.'' alarm sounds. Gru looks at his control panel. CRASH B.: Hmm? LUIGI: What's that sound? EDDY: Hey, w-what's going on? ''Gru: Uh oh, we have a problem. It appears that some of you have not showered in like a week. Gross!'' CRASH B.: (What do you mean "not showered?") ''Gru: Not naming names, but... it's those guys!'' of the audience is shown on the two little screens. CRASH B.: (But I showered this morning!) WARIO: (laughing at Crash) ''Gru: Lucky for you, I'm in a bit of a time crunch and I'm feeling generous, but you'd better shower when you get back to your hotel...'' DEMOMAN: Well, oh, late! ''Gru: ...and don't go right to the pool! As for the rest of you, if anyone's thinking of backing out, I warn you: I will hit you with my fart gun!'' EDD: What?! LUMPUS: WHAT?! What did you say?! ''Gru: Oh, yes. I'm packing pistola de peo. So what will it be? Minions... or farts?'' girls come in. Agnes holds a present in her hands. ''Edith (imitating Gru): Minions... or farts?'' ''Gru: Ignore them.'' Minions come in with party horns and decorations. ''Minions: Boss!'' ''Gru: Not now!'' ''Minions: Okay, okay!'' ''Agnes: Don't be scared of Gru. He's just a big bald teddy bear!'' CRASH B.: (Gru's a bear?) ''Margo: Yeah, and no way will he shoot you with a fart gun.'' ''Gru: Oh, no?'' activates the fart gun. CRASH B.: (faints) EDD: GOOD GOLLY-O-MIGHTY! What is that horrible odor?! WARIO: (sniffs) Oohh... ED: I smell like fresh-cut spring flowers spewn across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon. ''Edith: (sniffs) Hey, it smells like bananas!'' ''Minions: B-banana? Banana! Banana! Banana!'' ''Gru: Oh, come on! sighs'' ''Agnes: Uh, Gru, I was wondering if I could give you something.'' CRASH B.: (A present?) ''Gru: Aw, sure, sweetie, but can it wait? I'm really behind schedule, and I have to train these guys...'' ''Margo: Oh! Can we help?'' ''Gru: What?'' ''Edith: Yeah, we can train 'em.'' ''Gru: Hmmmm...'' ''Edith: Come on!'' ''Gru: Let me-- no! I do not think so.'' ''Edith: Please?'' ''Gru: No, no. It's very technical.'' ''Edith: Come on! We've seen you do it hundreds of times!'' MARIO: Heh, tough. ''Margo: Yeah, it's not like it's rocket science, or even fourth grade science.'' ''Edith: Yeah, a trained monkey could do it.'' ''Gru: All right! (Sigh) Okay, future Minions, the girls are going to handle your training.'' DEMOMAN: That's the spirit! girls cheer. ''Edith: You people are so doomed!'' ''Gru: Aw, don't listen to her. Although, she's usually right. Good luck, everyone!'' leaves. ''Agnes: But... But, Gru, wait!'' ''Edith: He's gone, Agnes.'' ''Agnes: It's the anniversary of the day he adopted us.'' ENGINEER: Well, don't that beat all. ''Agnes: Do you think he forgot?'' ''Margo: Of course not. It'll be okay, Agnes.'' GROUNDER: Aww... ''Margo: Come on. We've got a job to do.'' ''Edith: Let's do this!'' ''Margo: Okay, everybody, see you in the lab!'' ''Edith: This is gonna be good.'' LUMPUS: All right, let's go! ''Margo (V.O.): Stay in your row and quickly move down to the last available seat. Each pod seats four guests per row.'' SCOUT: Let's do this! ''Margo (V.O.): Do not put on your Minion goggles until told to do so by a lab assistant.'' ENGINEER: Move 'em out! ''Edith (V.O): Let's go, people!'' doors open and riders enter the main theater. Main Ride the steel doors in front of us open, we are immediately greeted by the girls. ''Margo: Ready? Great! Prepare to be Minionized!'' HEAVY: Move machine up! pods rise up, ready for motion. ''Edith: Zap 'em, Kevin!'' ''Kevin: Ah, okay.'' ED: Tsk, tsk. Do you know how long i have been waiting? WARIO: Go! minion gun blast us, turning into minions. CRASH B.: (That tickles!) WARIO: Hee ha ha ho! HEAVY: (babbling and laughing) ''Margo: Wow! It worked!'' ''Agnes: Aww! They're so cute!'' start laughing ENGINEER: Get going! ''Margo: Okay, let's begin your training!'' SONIC: Go! ''Agnes: Have fun, Minions!'' MARIO: I'm going down the drain! DR. ROBOTNIK: (screaming) HEAVY: Here I come! GROUNDER: (screaming) EDD: Enterprising... ''Margo: You're now in the Minion Training Grounds.'' screaming SCOUT: Hey, I'm flying! CAPT. FALCON: Show me your moves! HEAVY: Run, cowards! ''Margo: This is where we test your strength, speed, and ability to not die.'' LUMPUS: (gets sprayed with water) What the--?! (blubbering) CRASH B.: (Do that again!) SCOUT: Mush, you lazy bums! ED: Here we go! Jump! You there! Upsa-daisy! WARIO: Hyah! CRASH B.: Ha ha! SNIPER: Heads up! LUIGI: Whoa! EDDY: Ow! ENGINEER: Giddyup! HEAVY: Look at you tiny itty-bitty men, running from sandwich! SPY: Padon me. WARIO (running into minion): D'oh! YOSHI: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Funabunga! EDD: Blockade! ''Agnes: Look out, Minions! Don't get flyswatted!'' ENGINEER: Heavy load comin' through! SONIC: You're too slow! HEAVY: Move! ENGINEER: Hell, that was easy. ''Edith: Avoid the lasers... or be doomed!'' LUMPUS: Du-what?! CRASH B.: Whoo! HEAVY: Don't run! It's just ham! DR. ROBOTNIK: (screaming) ''Agnes: He's so fluffy!'' HEAVY: Ha ha ha! SCOUT: You got owned! CRASH B.: (laughing) SONIC: Too easy! Piece of cake! SCOUT: What the hell is everyone doing? CAPT. FALCON: Falcon... WARIO: (laughing) CAPT. FALCON: ...PUNCH! MARIO: Aah! Whoaaa!!! LUMPUS: (screaming) SCRATCH: (screaming) GROUNDER: (screaming) MARIO: Whoa! SPY: Proceed! SONIC: Come on! Step it up! ''Margo: Well done, Minions. Now it's time to test your problem solving and teamwork skills.'' ''Agnes: Find a way across!'' HEAVY: Very well! ENGINEER: Come on, fellas! CRASH B.: (laughing) ENGINEER: Heeee-yaw! YOSHI: Ba-gabba-boosta! This is fun! HEAVY: Mush, team! Mush! ''Margo: Go, Minions, go!'' ''Agnes: These are the best Minions EVER!'' ''Edith: Resist the banana!'' DEMOMAN: Oh! That's the stuff! WARIO: Ooohhh... ''Minions: Banana? Banana! Banana! Banana!'' LUMPUS: What?! No! EDD: You are a banana! DR. RABBIT: Oh no! HEAVY: Ohh, noooo! BOWSER: Time out! Cease and desist! Stop! ''Agnes: Fight the urge!'' EDDY: Whoa! ED: Gravy! ''Margo: This is bad!'' screaming DR. ROBOTNIK: Help me! SPY: Too bad this wasn't a pie eating contest! fall into a bomb making area MARIO: (crashing through sign) Aah! CRASH B.: (bzzt) Oh, ho! DEMOMAN: (crashing through sign) Oh, that smarts! ''Gru: Hey! What are you doing in the restricted area?!'' DR. RABBIT: I don't know! SCOUT: This did not just happen! CRASH B.: (Here we go again...) ''Margo: Minions! We gotta get you out of here!'' ''Minion: Uh oh.'' LUIGI: No! ENGINEER: (screaming) BOOM MARIO: Aagh! ''Agnes: No! Minions, save Gru's present!'' CRASH B.: Okay. SCRATCH: (screaming) GROUNDER: (screaming) SCOUT: We gotta stop that thing! HEAVY: How could this happen? ''Agnes: Almost there...'' CRASH B.: (straining) Uh oh! LUMPUS: (screaming) DR. ROBOTNIK: (screaming) MARIO: Whoaaa! Whoa! HEAVY: (screaming) DEMOMAN: (screaming) YOSHI: Aw, Yoshi hungry! LUIGI: You'll have to wait! ED: Oh, boy, oh, boy! I forget what we're doing! ''Margo: Got it!'' ''Agnes: Yay!'' MARIO: Whoa! DEMOMAN: Daa! WARIO: Whoa-ho! HEAVY: Dah! Too many little men! SCRATCH: (screaming) ''Gru: Don't worry! I got you! Whoa-WAAAH-ho-ho!'' EDD: Look out! CRASH B.: (Are you dead?) LUIGI: That was close! ''Agnes: So is now a good time to give you my present?'' ''Gru: Honey, seriously, not the perfect time--'' WARIO: (laughing) EDD: This is not good... ''Gru: I'm okay!'' LUMPUS: I am not ready for this! Mommy! (gibberish, screaming) CRASH B.: (seeing Gru closing in) (OH, CRUD!!!) LUIGI: Whoa! HEEELLLPPP!!! MARIO: (screaming) GROUNDER: (screaming) CRASH B.: (screaming) SONIC: (grunt, groaning) ''Margo: It's okay.'' ''Edith: Except we're floating!'' EDD: You realize we're floating, don't you? ''Margo: In the anti-gravity recycling room?!'' ''Agnes: Oh no!'' CRASH B.: Awww... (Oh, shoot.) GROUNDER: Help! I'm afraid of heights! DR. ROBOTNIK: (scraming) MARIO: Oops! I guess we shouldn't have counted our eggs before they hatched! LUIGI: Hold on, Yoshi-saur! ''Margo: Everyone just hold on!'' SCRATCH: Get me down! I flunked flying! SCOUT: Okay, this does not look good here, ummm... HEAVY: Oh, this is bad! (holds sandwich to screen as if it were a remote) SPY: Your precious sandwich won't save you now, fatty! ''Agnes: NO!'' Margo: '''Agnes!!! EDDY: What the heck are you doing?! ENGINEER: (screaming) HEAVY: More rubble, less trouble! ''Agnes:' straining Got it! CRASH B.: Aah! SPY: (screaming) HEAVY: Help me! EDD: Oh, my Lord! CRASH B.: Awww... (Well, we're boned.) ''Agnes: gasps Oh no!'' ''Gru: I got you!'' ''Agnes: Gru!'' WARIO: Ha! ED: Is the ride over? EDD: Oh, dear... I fear it's just begun. ''Gru: Uh oh!'' DR. ROBOTNIK: Help me! Help! SCOUT: Aw, crap. EDDY: Mommy! screaming ''Gru: Margo! Edith! Grab my hand! Minions!'' Minions save us. LUIGI: That was close! SPY: Oh, dear. I've made quite a mess. ''Gru: Girls!'' ''Girls: Gru!'' CRASH B.: Here you go. ''Gru: What's this?'' ''Agnes: I made you a present. It's a little squashed, and burnt...'' ''Gru: It's absolutely perfect...'' GROUNDER: Aww... ''Gru (con'd): ...and I made you girls a little something, too. 'a big carnival-style party ''Happy anniversary! ''Edith:' Awesome! WARIO: Oohh... CRASH B.: (Cool! A carnival!) DEMOMAN: That's the way you do it! Agnes: '''You remembered! ''Gru:' How could I forget the most important day of my life? ''Margo: Thank you, Gru!'' CRASH B.: (This is so much fun!) ENGINEER: Whoooo! DEMOMAN: Bloody brilliant! SCRATCH: Ha ha ha! Hooray! Uh, yay! Three cheers! HEAVY: Incoming! SCRATCH: (screaming) GROUNDER: (screaming) CRASH B.: (Brace for landing!) CRASH SCOUT: What did we learn? I always win! ''Gru: Well done, Minions! You did it!'' CRASH B.: (It was nothing, really.) ''Gru: Your new life begins right now!'' ENGINEER: All righty, then. SCOUT: Aw, crap. to a minion, the minion gun accidentally goes off, turning us back into humans. The transformation pods lower back into stationary position. ''Gru: Aw, man! They're human again!'' doors close. The lap bars come up. CRASH B.: (Live and let live!) ''Gru: Bring in the next group!'' Post-Show (entering dance party) SONIC: Hey, we should do this again sometime! LUIGI: It's not over yet! DR. ROBOTNIK: What? HOO-HA (over loudspeaker): Lumpus, for not following the rules, no more milky-wilky for you, ever! LUMPUS: (gasp) HEAVY: Me and my sandwich... EDD: This is my song! EDDY: If you can't beat 'em, show off! Let's mambo! starts dancing ED: Work that body, work that body! Don't you know hurt nobody! HEAVY: (laughing) ED: In syncopated style! EDDY: Ed! THE END